Cycling can be about the pleasure of the journey, and cycling can be about the satisfaction of overcoming adversity and pain. However, sometimes cycling is just a figurative and literal pain in the back passage.
Here are some encounters that make you question why the hell you are doing something so uncomfortable, antisocial and ludicrously expensive when you could be watching Antiques Roadshow with the rest of humanity…
Wildlife
Cycling is a great way to get out into the countryside and experience the beauty of the natural world. Life-affirming, rejuvenating, cleansing of spirit. Well, that’s one way of looking at it. In actual fact, mother nature has concocted a cauldronful of spells to cast on you as you enter her realm.
Encounters that can quickly change your ride experience include:
- Bees – the decline in the honey bee is touted as instrumental in the decline of the entire planet’s ecosystem. However, this has its upside, as the vicious little bastard likes to get into your helmet or down your jersey in order to sting the crap out of you. One second you are pedalling along the hedgerows, inhaling the sweet nectar of spring meadows; the next you are grimacing and flailing your arms as if fending off an invisible savage bear.
- Deer – Bambi elicits little sympathy when you nearly break your neck – or even worse your flimsy carbon frame – because of his thoughtless conduct on the nation’s highways. The likelihood is increased by several orders of magnitude if you choose to train in a park where large numbers of these satanic creatures are bred and allowed to roam with willful abandon. Venison sausages seem very appealing.
- Pigs – believe it or not, the ultimate hard bastard of professional cycling Sean Kelly was brought to the tarmac by a wild boar that was foolhardy enough to impede his progress. Needless to say, Kelly was unphased and continued without injury. The boar, it would seem, did not fare as well.
- Birds – yes, Hitchcock was right. As can be seen when these cyclists were attacked by an ostrich.
Cowshit Corner
You’ve spent the preceding afternoon cleaning your beloved machine. You’ve ‘flossed’ the chain and re-lubed it with an expensive liquid whose description includes the words ‘NASA’ and ‘nano-particles’. You’ve then caressed the flawless carbon with baby wipes to remove any sullying water marks…
The weather forecast is ‘dry’ so you’re out in your fresh merino Rapha ensemble avoiding any stray road moisture. Little do you know that Farmer Giles has also been enjoying the good weather while ‘topping up the nitrates’ in his fields. You come around a corner and there it is. Every possible route forward is strewn with a pungent, faecal slurry! With no time to slow down the only option is to accept the inevitable and plough on through. Crisis management in full effect you keep all unnecessary orifice closed and avoid breathing in.
Following this tar and feathering, you cut the ride short because of a) the deep humiliation, and b) the smell. Piet Mondrian may have inspired the cycling kit of La Vie Claire, but right now Jackson Pollock is the order of the day. After such a stark demonstration of the futility of your attempts to bring order to the universe, you don’t bother washing your bike for another 6 months.
Other Cyclists
Is cycling all about team-work and camaraderie? Kind of yes. That is until you’re out training alone and fully intent on staying in Zone 4 for one hour exactly. You’ve been at it for 45 minutes when you happen upon a group ride.
Of course, they are going too slow. So you pass them to to the sound of a sarcastic ‘good morning’ or two. After attempting to politely nod you pass the billowing snake of lycra only to have them sit on your wheel. Now they’re pushing you into zone 5. You back off only to be consumed by the monster and falling back into zone 3.
You have to now abandon the training and make small talk to avoid looking like too much of a dick, all the while unable to stop thinking about your failure to finish your objective. But life goes on, apparently…
